praise, seek, trust

This has been one of the most joy-filled, heart breaking, bittersweet weeks of my time at Harding.

Monday I was super busy. I finished my resume and cover letter and finally applied for several internships I'm looking at. I was so excited about moving forward with my summer plans and really felt like I was taking a step in the right direction. I talked to my mom about it, ate dinner with my friend Meredith, then ran back to my room to meet my sister to give her some things.

That's when I got the text: my grandma passed away.

My Grandma Audrey was an amazing woman. Her husband died back in 1963 in a plane crash, leaving her to raise 5 young kids all on her own. I can't even imagine. She lived in New Jersey with them until they were all grown and she started getting older. She loved New Jersey, but she needed to be closer to my aunts so they could help take care of her so they moved her to Virginia.

She would say all the time, "I just want to go home." At first she meant New Jersey. I think her idea of home changed after awhile and she meant heaven.

Gosh that lady was one of a kind though. She slowly and sadly started getting alzheimers, so the times I saw her in the last few years were kind of funny interactions to us when we were younger.

When we would walk into my aunts house from the airport, my grandma would greet us.
Grandma: Hi girls
Us: Hi grandma
Grandma: How was your flight
Us: It was good, very nice weather!
Grandma: Well that's good, I remember when....
And then she would launch into a long story or lecture about her husband or about being a substitute teacher and how the kids called her "Cruise control" (her last name was Kruse)  and eventually it would lead her back around again to:
Grandma: Well yes anyways so how was your flight?
Us: Uh...really good. The weather was nice.
And she would nod and tell us another story.

I'm so glad Grandma isn't suffering or sad anymore. It's just really hard for me to wrap my mind around. I've never had someone so closely related to me pass away. I wasn't close to my Grandma, but it's still so sad I never had the chance to be. And my heart is breaking for my mom, because I know she feels like she missed out on a lot by not living near Virginia with the rest family.

No one tells you how to prepare for this. I made a post about it later, and everyone commented on it and sent me comforting texts and I realized I had no idea what to say back. I just can't imagine what this is like for someone who loses their parent or child or sibling. It must feel like this but a million times worse.

Before I told anyone though, I went to my ChiO meeting not feeling quite ready for people. But, gosh it's amazing how God works. People were just loving on me, hugging me all around and messing with me. I got a cupcake shoved in my face. I had a beautiful conversation with someone. It's exactly what I needed at the moment, to feel loved and encouraged, and they had no idea how much they were helping me.

This week has definitely inspired me (and what a weird week it's been.) I've been thinking a lot about my own relationship with my mom. What I want to do with my life. Boys. (Boys are suddenly now talking to me more. Yeah I don't know either.) I got asked to a function. I played goalie for A team soccer. I'm learning to let go of a grudge against a friend. I was asked to live with two of my favorite people next semester.

 In the good times and bad, God is good.

This was your weekly dose of rambling thoughts by Rachel, and I'm out for now.